We didn’t ask to be put on this earth yet we still have to suffer under the crushing weight of capitalism, inflation and the stock market. 

Petrol is sitting at over $3 a litre for those of us that can afford a roadworthy car, op-shops have been gentrified, and a single cauliflower is $8. 

I’m not going to write a financial piece explaining the ins and outs of inflation because that’s boring and I’m hot. 

However, I will make a definitive list of stuff that costs far too much money for what it is. 

I’ll also attempt to throw in a few little life hacks to make things slightly less crippling for your wallet.

Cheese

Obviously cheese had to be on this list. 

I’m a whore for a cheese toastie (specifically Edam), but it doesn’t taste as good knowing that a block of that stuff is $12. 

This is a dark secret, but I’ve resorted to plastic cheese. The chemical look it has when it melts is more than a little concerning, but I guess it tastes kind of similar? 

I did one quick Google search and apparently the reason cheese costs so much money is because of the economy. 

It went into a lot of detail about tax and import costs and other stuff that just bored me to tears. 

Basically, it’s expensive and will probably stay expensive, so it’s time to go vegan - or start eating plastic cheese.

Rubbish bags

Now this one is just for my Welly readers, but a bag of five rubbish bags for collection costs $16 at most supermarkets, which is just heinous. 

I’m not saying we should be producing a lot of waste - I’m all for recycling and composting but rubbish is still a part of life and it shouldn’t cost so much to simply get rid of your Macca’s rubbish before your mum comes over for dinner and shames you. (Just me?) 

My fun little money-saving hack is to take a paper bag of rubbish to the petrol station and use their bins to cut down on my rubbish costs. 

This clever little trick is immediately cancelled out when I fill up and then go inside and spend my hard-earned money on little snacky snacks at the counter.

Car stuff

Why the fuck are tyres so expensive? 

I don’t understand it and I don’t accept it. 

I understand that it’s important to have good tyres so you’re safe on the road and don’t kill yourself or anyone else on the road. 

However, I would really appreciate it if those things weren’t $150 a pop. 

For women especially, walking into a traditionally male-dominated space and hoping they don’t rip you off is a classic dilemma. 

Most tyre places have a website where you can look up your registration and it will tell you all the possible tyres for your car. 

If you scroll a little bit, you’ll find the cheapest entry-level tyres. 

Usually if you ring up and book, they’ll try and upsell you for a tyre with a “higher performance” which you almost definitely don’t need. 

Work smarter, not harder, girlbosses.

A good bra

This one is for my boob-having people, bras are fucking expensive. 

A good one will set you back at least $60. 

If you manage to find a cheap one, there’s no guarantee that it will fit you the way a bra of the exact same size from another brand will. 

Honestly, I don’t have much of a solution for the price of bras, but there are a few ways to find cheaper ones. 

My personal favourite option is complaining to my mum about how expensive bras are and hoping that she’ll take me shopping to make up for the fact that she cursed me with boobs. 

Usually, she’ll splash out and get me a couple. The only downside is she tries to suggest hideous bras and also, she insists I get measured every single time, which doesn’t get any less awkward. 

Another option is to hit up the outlet stores. 

Have a Google and see if there’s any nearby. Usually they have mark-downs on decent bras and you can get yourself a steal. 

When you find a bra you like, buy a couple to avoid frequent trips to the hellscape that is bra shopping.

Mirrors

Being so drunk that you go to the bathroom just to stare at yourself in the mirror and figure out if you’re real is one of life's simple pleasures. 

The price of vanity is not cheap - a good mirror that doesn’t warp you so you look like Slenderman is quite hard to come by. 

A good quality full-length mirror costs around $100 which is just obscene. 

Those Instagram story fit checks require a healthy investment in a quality mirror. 

I don’t have any solutions to get around this, but I’d recommend skulking around Facebook Marketplace and finding someone doing a “MOVING OUT SALE EVERYTHING GOING CHEAP” post. 

That’s my best advice.

Capitalism is hell and we can’t escape it

There’s obviously so many other things that cost far too much money, like buying a house and cauliflower. 

However, these few things really grind my gears because they’re generally things you need when you’re alive. 

Essentially, capitalism is hell and we can’t escape it. 

Go look for a 2-for-1 bra deal and take your rubbish to the petrol station. 

Godspeed and good luck, my friends.

Illustrations @mariepamdesign

This article originally appeared in Massive Magazine Issue #4, March 21 2022.

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