Horny on Main is a place to unpack and explore the complicated and messy territories of sex, love and intimacy. It’s not just for the horndogs, it’s for anyone who has wondered something quietly to themselves but hasn’t been able to put that thought to words. It’s putting it all out there in the open, matter of fact, clear as day, horny on main. 

Together, Melody Thomas and Elena Beets help answer all your sticky questions. Today’s question: 

• 28y/o, female, polyamorous and pansexual

Listen here:

Melody: What an exciting question! Figuring out what you’re into sexually is an honourable and exciting journey to be on, but a lot of the time the advice for how to go about it is a bit vague. So you’ve hit the nail on the head here: How do you learn what you don’t yet know?

I think part of the answer to this is always going to be experience. Time goes on, you have more sexual experiences, partnered or otherwise, and you just piece together what you like bit by bit. I think this is part of why older women especially talk about having the best sex of their lives; they’ve had time to figure it out (plus they’ve stopped setting aside their own needs in favour of their partner/s). BUT with a bit of curiosity-led, active exploration you can absolutely start to figure this stuff out a little more proactively.

Elena: There are different ways to go about all this depending on what facet of sex/sensuality you’re exploring. People often say you should masturbate to figure out what you like, and if you are trying to figure out what sort of touch/pressure/rhythm you like when someone touches you, especially your genitals, then yeah I would say trying those things on yourself in a masturbation sesh is a great place to start.

Melody: Especially a curious, slow-going masturbation sesh… Instead of rushing to get off, how does it feel when you take your time to touch yourself sensually on other parts of your body first? Or on the areas of the vulva that aren’t the clitoris? What happens when you get your nipples involved? You can also experiment with using toys, or say a shower faucet. I had a friend who told me she started out her solo sex life masturbating quietly and then one day accidentally moaned out loud, and realised that hearing herself get off turned her on heaps more…

Elena: Reading erotica or consuming other erotic media can also be a helpful way to get an inkling of wha takes your fancy. I find written erotica especially effective because it involves you imagining what is happening in your own mind (so you can kinda put your own flair to things) and it often also has you imagine yourself as the character who is having sex. I find porn less immersive in that sense, because I just feel like I’m watching other people have sex and it doesn’t often foster the same ‘putting myself in one of the character’s shoes’-type imagining.

Melody: If you are consuming porn or other erotic media definitely take note of what you’re seeking out. Maybe you like porn with a power dynamic, say a secretary and their boss. That doesn’t mean you should go bang your boss (please don’t), but maybe there’s something about the dynamic itself that could be worth transferring into partnered sex — say exploring role play or bringing in a bit of light dom-sub play. 

Elena: Though it’s also important to note that you can enjoy reading, watching or listening about a type of sex and know you do not want it for yourself, or try it out and realise it’s not for you! What you enjoy consuming vs what you enjoy actually doing or being done to you can be really quite different and that’s all good baby.

I think it’s important to acknowledge that not all of these things can be explored or worked out by masturbation alone, so let’s talk about exploring this stuff with a sexual partner. 

Melody: The same rule as above applies with partnered sex, in that it’s really good to pay attention to your body and what gets you off. I know this sounds obvious, but actually we can be quite good at ignoring the obvious. If a sexual interaction made you feel shitty then that’s one to try not to repeat, or if you can’t stop thinking about it in a good way then there’s something in that worth repeating. Self-reflection is an incredible tool for figuring out what you actually want, and then your next challenge is learning to advocate for your needs in the moment.

Elena: And this can be really hard! But building your confidence and experience with voicing your wants and feelings during sex is an important foundation to build, because it allows for exploration and curiosity to flourish safely. Trying new things feels less daunting because you have the confidence that you can ask to stop or slow down at any point. 

Try to prioritise practising speaking up before, during and after — but especially during — any sexual activity, but don’t beat yourself up if you fail. I know personally it can be painful and difficult to admit in hindsight when I haven’t hit pause when I have stopped enjoying something, but I just remind myself that it’s okay, it’s a learning process and most of us weren’t prepped with the tools to handle it.

Melody: Something else that’s going to make this all easier and more fun is picking the right sexual partner/s. Obviously you don’t need to be in love but there needs to be mutual respect. Look for partner/s who are respectful, considerate of your needs, who seem to get off on getting you off, are curious, open, and who know how to laugh — in a reassuring way — when things don’t go according to plan… Which WILL HAPPEN when you’re exploring!

Elena: Exactly. And again, even with the “right” partner, there can still be times where you feel you’ve misjudged, that it’s not until after the fact that you are able to reflect and realise you don’t want to do a certain thing again. That is okay, that is just part of figuring these things out.

Melody: Because trying new stuff can be really awkward! Talk dirty talk, for example. The first time you try it you’ll likely feel super vulnerable, maybe a bit stupid, and a bit lost as to how to proceed. You might say something about your partner’s ‘cock’ and then realise ‘dick’ is better for you! You want to be with someone who makes you feel comfortable enough to say, “Oh, that didn’t work at all!”, and where you can then have a laugh together — maybe a hug if it was quite a bad fail — and then either keep on with the sexy stuff or take a break. 

Elena: At the end of the day you are naked rubbing your bits on another naked person or multiple naked people and that is really quite funny. 

Melody: It’s hilarious and weird and also very hot. What a combo.

Elena: Finally, take your time. It’s cool to be curious and proactive, but don’t be rushing through all the good stuff that may already be tried and true.

Melody: Exactly. Over your sexual life what you’re into develops and changes naturally. Settle in and enjoy the ride, baby!

Elena: Best of luck to you on this fun, and lifelong, journey. We’re very excited for you and for anyone inspired by your excellent question.

Send your questions through to hornyonmain@renews.co.nz or DM us on the Re: Instagram or Facebook account, and just mention it’s a question for Horny on Main. It helps if you can give us some personal details like age, gender, sexuality. All questions will be treated in confidence and kept strictly anonymous.

Illustration by Mil Hampy. 

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