Horny on Main is a place to unpack and explore the complicated and messy territories of sex, love and intimacy. It’s not just for the horndogs, it’s for anyone who has wondered something quietly to themselves but hasn’t been able to put that thought to words. It’s putting it all out there in the open, matter of fact, clear as day, horny on main. 

Together, Melody Thomas and Elena Beets help answer all your sticky questions. To read the rest of the columns, click here. 

How do I pick a good partner for sexual debut/losing virginity? I’m afraid of being taken advantage of.

Elena: First I want to say congratulations! It’s exciting getting to a point in your life where you feel ready and like you want to have sex with someone. It sounds to me like you’ve got a pretty healthy outlook on the whole thing, who you choose to have sex with is one of the most important factors to your debut being a positive experience. However, I wouldn’t say you have to be deeply in love with someone or have known them for months and months to make them a good candidate. I just think it’s smart to be a little discerning and give yourself time to find someone who you think is kind hearted (and hot ofc). For me it took two weeks to suss out the first person I wanted to have sex with, but that timeframe will be different for everyone.

Elena: When it comes to picking a sexual partner it’s good to be clear about what you are wanting from the relationship (whether that be a committed relationship/something casual/one-off sex with a friend) so you can communicate that to them to see if you are on the same page - but keep in mind that there should always be a baseline of respect and consideration no matter how ‘casual’ the situation may be. It’s okay for someone to want to have sex and not want a serious relatonship but what’s not okay is someone wanting to have sex with you without respecting that you’re a whole person with your own feelings, needs and life. If someone makes you feel bad for needing to talk about your fears or needs, if someone flakes without reason, if they are dishonest with you about their intentions: all of those things aren’t okay and are red flags to be taken seriously.

Melody: And it’s important that you’re honest too! Losing your virginity doesn’t actually have to be a huge deal, but maybe it is to you, and in that case you’ll want to be upfront about any expectations you have. Think about what you need for this experience to be positive. It might not be candlelight and tender eye contact, but maybe you do need to take it slow, to spend a bit of time warming up into it and making sure you’re really aroused before penetration occurs (a good idea anyway, if that’s where you’re headed!), to be held afterwards and have that person check in with how you’re doing. Or maybe it’s as simple as “please bring lube and condoms, and take it easy on my nipples, they’re sensitive”. Are you expecting sex to turn into love or a relationship? Is that realistic? Or are you happy for it to be just sex? You’re much more likely to feel taken advantage of if you haven’t first communicated what it is you need. And you can’t do that if you don’t know!

Elena: The unfortunate thing is we can never truly guarantee that someone we have sex with won’t end up making us wish we hadn’t had sex with them. People can be together for years then find out something that makes them feel taken advantage of or like they had chosen the wrong person. Even if the person you choose doesn’t turn out to be the person you thought they were, please don’t let it become a reason to feel bad about yourself. Their willingness to take advantage of someone sexually is very much a reflection of their crapiness and not a reflection of you. And remember no matter what the first time is like you can always do things differently the next time round, your debut does not have to define your sex life in the future.

Melody: Exactly. Your sex life will be long and constantly evolving, and will likely get better and better with time. Our society tends to position virginity as the most important moment in a person’s sex life (especially for girls and women, I think), but actually it can be awkward, uncomfortable, maybe a little painful. It’s great to aim for a good or even special “first time”, but remember, the best sex you’ll have is still ahead of you. Good luck, and don’t forget to have fun!

Send your questions through to hornyonmain@renews.co.nz or DM us on the Re: Instagram or Facebook account, and just mention it’s a question for Horny on Main. All questions will be treated in confidence and kept strictly anonymous. 

Illustration by Mil Hampy.

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