Realising a friend is in a controlling relationship can bring on intense feelings of rage. We wanna bust into the partner's bedroom and berate them, to make them feel as small as they’ve made our friend feel.
This article is part of our new series on healthy relationships, sponsored by Love Better.
We want to hold our friend tight and tell them we won’t ever let anyone hurt them. We want them to leave, immediately.
But it’s rarely that simple.
Often people with controlling partners struggle to see it for themselves and, as Anita Lowry, CEO of sexual harm prevention organisation RespectEd says, “are often having their reactions managed by that partner”.
Because of this, it can be incredibly hard to leave, even when they know their partner is harming them.
The Love Better team says, “As a friend, it’s not your job to end the relationship for them”.
True support is often about standing alongside your friend rather than making decisions for them.
So how do you help them?
Stay connected
Ask them to hang out and keep them in the loop socially. Even if they hardly ever come, don’t stop inviting them. This shows them that their friends still care about them.
Make the time you spend positive
Doing nice, enjoyable things is super important for your friend’s general well-being and can be a subtle indicator to them that the time they spend with their partner isn’t making them happy.
Reminding them that they are loved, smart and fun can also counter criticisms they might be receiving behind closed doors.
It's important to their ultimate freedom that they retain a sense of self-confidence and belief so that they know they don’t deserve the way they are being treated.
Ask questions but don’t push them
As we’ve said, it can be hard to see it from the inside. Ask your friend: Are they happy? Do they feel the relationship is equal? Do they like the way their partner makes them feel?
Give them the space and time to think about those things and realise for themselves where they stand – you don’t need to guide them to a specific conclusion.
Raise it… and move on
It can be helpful to bring it up directly to make sure your friend is aware of how you feel.
Don’t go overboard as you don’t want to make them feel like they’re being patronised or gossiped about. You can simply let them know you’re worried and that you just want to be there for them.
People can’t always find a way to ask for help, but will jump at the opportunity to let someone in.
So a little nudge can go a long way. But if they don’t pick up what you’re putting down, move on after letting them know if they ever need help, you’ll be there.
Don’t indulge in anger or confrontation
Don’t get fixated on the frustration of not being heard when you’re doing your best to help.
The Love Better team says “it’s not always possible to walk away from abusive relationships” – emotionally, physically and financially – so it’s super important not to become angry at your friend for not leaving, not standing up for themselves, or for becoming evasive and distant.
“A person in a controlling relationship is often being told what to do, day in and day out. They don’t need another person telling them what to do and adding to the pressure,” the Love Better team says.
Keep it offline
It can be tempting to vent about the situation or want to highlight the controlling partner’s bad behaviour to other people in your circle – but don’t post about the situation on social media and don’t try to confront the partner yourself.
This will only make things worse for your friend.
Be there for the end
People have a tendency to disappear into relationships. It sucks, but it’s very common.
In a controlling relationship, this can be even more intense. You might barely see them at all and when you do, they might not seem themselves or seem preoccupied. They might only come to you when times get super tough.
While it might make you feel used or forgotten, you have to remember that they’re going through something hellish, so be ready to step back into their life if things come crashing down.
Bring in more support
Gossiping and talking endlessly behind your friend’s back isn’t helping anyone, but speaking confidentially with a counsellor or helpline can provide both an outlet for stress and useful advice.
If you have serious concerns about your friend's safety, you can contact the Are You OK helpline (0800 456 450) for advice and support.
Remember, you don’t have to throw yourself in the fire to fix things. It can be immensely painful and frustrating to watch someone you love suffer, but your only job is to be the best friend you can be.
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