Horny on Main is a place to unpack and explore the complicated and messy territories of sex, love and intimacy. It’s not just for the horndogs, it’s for anyone who has wondered something quietly to themselves but hasn’t been able to put that thought to words. It’s putting it all out there in the open, matter of fact, clear as day, horny on main. 

Together, Melody Thomas and Elena Beets help answer all your sticky questions. To read the rest of the columns, click here. 

How to help/support when your partner is experiencing premature ejaculation?

Melody: Thanks so much for opening up about this ! People who struggle with premature ejaculation can experience a lot of shame and embarrassment and having a partner who understands and is supportive will make a world of difference. Before we get into advice, it’s probably good to know that according to the American Urological Association PE is the most common type of sexual “dysfunction” in men. What constitutes “premature” is open to interpretation (Elena’s Dad Nic Beets is a sex and relationship therapist and he uses “rapid ejaculation” instead, because it carries less judgement/negativity). But in this case we’ll take it to mean your partner is ejaculating sooner than they or you would prefer. 

Your partner's frustration or disappointment is totally legitimate, but it’s also likely exacerbated by some weird and frankly unimaginative standards about what ‘real’ sex is. We put so much focus on penetration when there’s actually an amazing buffet of exciting and delicious sexual acts to choose from, relegating ‘foreplay’ to the five minutes before ‘actual’ sex, even though for many people the foreplay stuff is more enjoyable. Could pulling focus to the other fun, non-penetrative stuff take some of the pressure off?

Elena: Another important reframing you could discuss with your partner is that your desire for sex with them is not simply a desire to have sex with their erection, you are attracted to them as a whole person. Your desire to be intimate with them specifically likely has a lot more to do with who they are and how they make you feel rather than how many minutes they can hold off cumming for. Nurture the intimacy and arousal you can create when you have clothes on: go on a date, discuss things you are passionate about, perform acts of service. Just as there are so many ways to have physical intimacy, there are many ways to create emotional and intellectual intimacy. Not only do these activities help you feel you have a full and nourishing love life, but they also strengthen your connection with your partner, which is important when rapid ejaculation can often cause people to withdraw. 

Melody: Yeah, I had a really wonderful conversation with a friend of mine about his experience with rapid ejaculation and he said the biggest struggle for him was not turning away from his partner after it happened (an impulse that’s shame-driven) but towards them. He said that once he figured that out, he’d often find that this continued intimacy (holding each other, talking, maybe even having a laugh) meant that often arousal was reignited, and sex would happen again - and this time it would play out quite differently. In order for this to happen though you do need to be careful of your reactions. It can be frustrating when you’re close to getting off or generally enjoying yourself and then for whatever reason sex is interrupted. Be careful not to lash out at your partner or to put your disappointment on them, as it will only add to the shame and withdrawal.

Elena: Sometimes you cannot fully dispel someone’s anxieties or frustrations, no matter how much reassurance you give or great non-penetrative sex you have. Be mindful that there may be times that they just want to express their frustrations or anger with the situation without you trying to convince them that they shouldn’t feel that way. There is so much cultural messaging reinforcing that ‘lasting a long time’ is a sign of strength/experience, and that if you do cum quickly you’re not a desirable lover. Talk to them about what beliefs they personally hold that reinforce the importance of long erections. Try to not be discouraged if, despite your best efforts, your partner still has moments of wishing things were different — it can take a lot of time and hot sex for them to be able to release those long-standing beliefs that made them feel less than.

I also checked in with my Dad — sex and relationship therapist Nic Beets — to see if there was anything he’d add, as this is something he talks with people about a lot!

Nic: There’s no such thing as “premature” ejaculation, though people of all genders can reach orgasm quicker than they want to and find the orgasm less pleasurable as a result — the intensity of orgasm being highly correlated with the duration of the build-up to it. But if he really wants to change things then he needs to understand how anxiety can have paradoxical effects on sexual arousal. Sometimes it acts as a brake, a turn-off, making it hard to get aroused or reach orgasm. In this case, it’s acting as an accelerant, pushing his arousal faster than he wants. So the advice Melody and Elena are giving about stressing your enjoyment of other forms of sex, and keeping your focus on fun, pleasure and connection as opposed to some negative fantasy about the “performance” a man “should” achieve, will all work to lessen the anxiety. The key to lasting longer is to stop worrying and start enjoying.

Send your questions through to hornyonmain@renews.co.nz or DM us on the Re: Instagram or Facebook account, and just mention it’s a question for Horny on Main. All questions will be treated in confidence and kept strictly anonymous.

Illustration by Mil Hampy. 

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