Horny on Main is a place to unpack and explore the complicated and messy territories of sex, love and intimacy. It’s not just for the horndogs, it’s for anyone who has wondered something quietly to themselves but hasn’t been able to put that thought to words. It’s putting it all out there in the open, matter of fact, clear as day, horny on main. 

Together, Melody Thomas and Elena Beets help answer all your sticky questions. Today’s question question:

Melody: Ahhh, my people :) 

The first thing I noticed about this question was that pesky word “normal” again! Don’t get me wrong, I very much understand why people frame things this way but as with all questions sex-related it’s just not a helpful place to start! 

Because yes—it is legit to get horny on the daily. Many, many people feel like that. But it’s also totally legit to never really feel horny, or only on certain occasions. “Normal” just ain’t a thing. 

Elena: It can be disconcerting if you feel like you are some sex-crazed zombie and no-one else is experiencing what you are. But there are plenty of people who get horny every day and don’t mention it—it can be hard to find the right time to bring it up! Those people also probably wonder if they’re the only one. 

I think the more fruitful question here is to ask yourself if YOU are okay with being horny every day? 

Melody: I’m also curious to know more about what horniness means in this situation. Is it the bodily urge to get off / reach orgasm? In which case, this is easily relieved all on your own. Or is it the desire to be sexual with someone else? Which is a trickier situation because you’re dealing with somebody else’s—also legitimate—needs and desires.

Elena: This question reminded me of a concept I learned about from Emily Nagoski, in her book Come As You Are, which is that there are different types of desire. 

Some people have ‘spontaneous desire’ which means that they get aroused, horny, with or without stimulation. The feelings and urges can just show up instantly regardless of anything sexual happening. 

Whereas others may have ‘responsive desire’ meaning they get horny in response to sexual stimuli. So, for example, the desire for sex may come once their partner keeps giving them affectionate touch as they cook together in the kitchen. 

It sounds like the sort of horniness you are experiencing might just come out of the blue, ie. spontaneous desire. Maybe you’ve been talking about this to friends, but their desire is more responsive, leading to them not understanding or helping you to feel normal because things work differently for them. However, both are normal and valid.

Melody: And I imagine the spontaneous vs responsive desire thing is like so many other sexuality-things where it can change for the individual over their lifetime too? For example, I reckon I'm usually a responsive desire person, but when I was pregnant, horniness would just come on out of nowhere and was a bit relentless—definitely more spontaneous. Then after my kids were born it just switched back! Bonus fun fact: horniness in pregnancy is not a new phenomenon…thanks to the hormones, an increase in blood flow to the genitals and other things.

Elena: Definitely. Most people experience their sexual appetite ebbing and flowing over their lives. I look back fondly on the horniest time of my life, which—thus far—was definitely my teenage years. I wasn’t sexually active but I remember dropping into these elabroate daydreams that would drive me absolutely wild, the level of intense immersion I don’t seem to be able to achieve simply with my imagination these days. Though I have to admit I may be looking back through some rose tinted glasses, because it was also painful and annoying at times!

If you weren’t horny every day and now you are, there’s potential for this to be fun, but it could also be frustrating, especially if you feel like your ‘horniness’ is taking over your life. It's one thing to masturbate to cope with stress—which is an excellent coping mechanism, endorphins/embodiment etc—but another entirely if it’s addictive escapism from ‘real life’. If you’re feeling like it may be swaying into that territory where you feel your horniness and its impulses are becoming detrimental to other things you’d like in your life, then it’s a good time to pause and take stock. 

A lot of compulsive escapist behaviour feeds on shame and isolation so any actions that put you in connection with others and the outside world can be a good place to start. You could try talking to a mate. You don’t have to say “I’m so stressed and miserable that I can’t stop masturbating and/or boning to avoid my real problems”. You could just say the first part, let them know you may be struggling a bit. 

Melody: If you’re in a relationship and you’re horny on the daily but your partner is not, then rest assured a lot of couples have to navigate libido mismatch. What you don’t want is that you end up getting more and more resentful through a perceived lack, while they feel needled or pressured to just go through with sex to please you.Your desire to connect sexually is legit, but so too is your partner’s desire not to.

Figuring out how to proceed is going to require a bit of open, non-defensive communication. If your horniness is just a desire to get off then that’s something you can take care of yourself when your partner isn’t in the mood. And if it’s about connecting to another, you might find there are other, non-sexual ways to fulfill that need.

Elena: In some situations if a person is in need but doesn’t feel like they can put their needs into words or aren’t consciously aware that they are in need, they might seek affirmation via sex and sexuality. For some people it is easier to ask for sex than it is to ask for what they *really* need. Maybe that’s reassurance or to be held. 

So it’s probably good to ask yourself what you really need, and if you suspect it’s more about connection generally, or that non-sexual physical connection might help you just as well. Then try out some non-sexual physical touch alternatives like massage, cuddling and see how that goes. It can’t hurt. 

Melody: And don’t forget, you do not exist in a vacuum. Sure, ‘horny on the daily’ might just be your natural resting state, but it could also be a reaction to something else happening in your life.

Elena: Some people get more horny when they’re happy, some people get more horny when they are sad or stressed. We hope you, dear reader, are just really feeling yourself and living a good life like, “Damn my sexuality and sensuality are really popping off and I want to engage with that as a way to further enrich my already lush life!!!””

Melody: In which case, go off! 

Send your questions through to hornyonmain@renews.co.nz or DM us on the Re: Instagram or Facebook account, and just mention it’s a question for Horny on Main. It helps if you can give us some personal details like age, gender, sexuality. All questions will be treated in confidence and kept strictly anonymous.

Illustration by Mil Hampy. 

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