Having sex without lube can come at a price, and Henry has paid the ultimate one — an anal fissure. 

When the 22-year-old, who is keeping his last name private, hooked up with a man in a car, they used a condom but didn’t discuss lube. 

“It hurt to go to the toilet for a good few weeks and I didn't have sex for like, a month after that. So that was a bit unfortunate,” Henry says. 

Personal lubricant, or lube, is a gel or liquid that prevents friction and irritation during sex. 

Research shows using lube makes sex feel better, reduces pain and helps prevent condom breakage. 

So why are some people being talked out of using lube, or worse, being shamed for it?

‘Friction is the enemy of pleasure’ 

Sex educator Emma Hewitt says using lube isn’t a big part of sex conversations the same way that condoms are, and that needs to change. 

“A lot of it can be internal [shaming] as well because we just don't really learn how essential lubricant is for some people,” she says. 

It's especially essential for anal sex because the anus does not self-lubricate and the skin inside the anal canal is thin and prone to tearing, she says. 

“The more that we can talk about lubricant and the more that it just becomes a normal thing to have, then there will hopefully be less of that push back.

“Friction is the enemy of pleasure.”

Being talked out of using lube as a gay man

Henry says he’s a bottom, which means he’s generally on the receiving end of anal sex. 

He says if he’s hooking up with someone and there isn’t lube around, he feels an implicit pressure to be the one to decide if they proceed with having sex or not. 

Some men have tried to talk Henry into having sex even if they don't have lube on hand, insisting it will still feel good.  

Henry remembers an instance where an older man paid for a $50 Uber so Henry could visit him to have sex, but there was no lube when he got there. 

He says he ended up having anal sex with him, partially because he’d paid for the Uber, and while the experience wasn’t traumatic it was a bit uncomfortable. 

When Henry made jokes about remembering to buy lube in the future, he says the older man doubled down and insisted he’d never had any issues before. He went as far as saying his penis was curved in a way that Henry wouldn’t experience pain. 

Henry never slept with him again.

“I find that whenever I haven't insisted on lube, I've slightly regretted it. Whereas when I do insist on lube, whether that leads to no sex or sex, you feel good about that afterwards, right? Sticking up for your boundaries,” he says. 

Henry has heard different reasons for not using lube

Henry can identify three main reasons some of his previous sexual partners haven’t used lube with him. 

Firstly, because they don’t have any lube, which he doesn’t think is a good enough excuse. 

Secondly, because they prefer “natural”, spit-based lubrication. Henry says these men tend to be the same ones who want to have unprotected sex, and that’s not something he relates to. 

Thirdly, because men who are used to being on top might lack empathy for bottoms they don’t understand the potential pain involved with receiving anal sex, Henry believes. 

“I want to use lube so that sex is fun and not painful… to help it get in and get onto it more quickly,” Henry says. 

“It's been a good while since I've had sex without lube and I'm happy about that.”

Using lube is standard practice for sex workers 

Madilyn, who is keeping her last name private, is a 22-year-old sex worker who is pro-lube.  

Sex workers and their clients are legally required to use condoms, which Madilyn says can make sex feel more dry, so using lube is standard practice. 

Condoms and lube are provided to her agency for free by the Aotearoa New Zealand Sex Workers' Collective. 

She says her clients are men around 50 years old on average and she’s never had them suggest not using lube — they’re actually quite keen for it. 

Madilyn thinks masculinity can get in the way of using lube 

When Madilyn has suggested using lube with previous personal partners, they’ve questioned the need for it. 

“I think it is quite linked to their masculinity, them feeling like they should be able to perform without assistance,” she says.

Emma Hewitt says there is a misconception that if women are aroused enough, they should be able to self-lubricate and needing lube is a sign they’re not. 

Because Madilyn uses lube, she has observed that sex is less painful and she no longer feels sore the day after. 

She was also prone to yeast infections when she was a teenager, which is also when she didn’t use lube, and says using it has decreased that risk. 

“I think it is a bit of a gendered thing, most women I know advocate for the use of it whereas guys seem to be more uneducated,” she says. 

Madilyn and her current partner used to have sex with condoms so they started using lube, which he was initially unsure about. 

Even though they don’t use condoms anymore, she says they still use lube and her partner has grown to enjoy it. 

A sex educator’s five reasons for using lube 

Emma Hewitt is Adulttoymegastore’s sex educator and says there are five big reasons people should use lube: 

Emma herself has a hyperactive pelvic floor which makes penetration painful for her and lube is the best thing she’s found to ease that pain.

Movie sex scenes sometimes show actors ripping their clothes off and having quick, passionate sex. In reality, Emma says it takes time and foreplay for the vagina to lubricate itself. Using lube is one way to make a quickie less uncomfortable and more enjoyable.

Using lube should go hand-in-hand with using condoms because it decreases friction and lowers the chances of a condom tearing, Emma says. Even small tears can allow for STI transmission or pregnancies to occur.

Emma says if you’re having a marathon sex session where you’re doing lots of different things, using lube ensures you don’t get dry halfway through. 

If your skin is quite dry, micro tears can make you more susceptible to STIs but using lube makes things nice and slippery down there, Emma says. 

Finding the right lube for you is important and she says to use one which is compatible with condoms and doesn’t have parabens or glycerin, which can irritate people with sensitive skin. 

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