Horny on Main is a place to unpack and explore the complicated and messy territories of sex, love and intimacy. It’s not just for the horndogs, it’s for anyone who has wondered something quietly to themselves but hasn’t been able to put that thought to words. It’s putting it all out there in the open, matter of fact, clear as day, horny on main. Check out the rest of the series here.

Send your questions through to hornyonmain@renews.co.nz or DM us on the Re: Instagram or Facebook account, and just mention it’s a question for Horny on Main. All questions will be treated in confidence and kept strictly anonymous. 

Together, Melody Thomas and Elena Beets help answer all your sticky questions. This one came in our DMs:

Melody: Yeah, people are so different that normal/common can be hard to gauge, and even when we know the norm—and know that our situation sits outside of that—if it’s fine for everyone involved then what’s the problem? Some people fuck like crazy, some people barely do. If you can, set aside “is this common?” and ask instead “How does this make me feel?” I reckon you’ll be off to a great start. 

Elena: By “sex break” we’re assuming you mean your boyfriend has asked for a period where there’s no sex between you. Presumably that’s not a forever break, just a little pause. Like Melody said, it might help to start by checking in with your personal reaction to his request. 

Does it make you concerned for your relationship? What do you imagine a break looking like? Do you feel sad that your partner is asking for less physical intimacy for the time being? Recognising those things and sharing them with your boyfriend if you feel comfortable is a chance for deeper intimacy of a different kind. 

Melody: I’m also curious as to how much communication has happened between you two about this so far. Do you know his reasons for asking for a break? Or has this all come out of the blue? I personally get a lot of security and reassurance from sexual intimacy so if I were in your shoes, and there hadn’t been good communication, my initial response would be to wonder what’s wrong and how I might ‘fix’ it.  

Elena: Also did you feel like you were given space to share your feelings about his request? If not then that is understandably unsettling.

Melody: One thing I do love about this question is that it gives us a chance to talk about gendered expectations, especially around male sexuality. Because some of the messages you’ve been taught over your life about how guys operate (and we’ve all been taught them!) could be working against you right now. 

We have this idea that guys should be up for it always, and if they don’t wanna fuck it must be because there’s something wrong with you, their sexual partner, or because there’s something wrong with them. But that’s not the case. Sometimes guys just aren’t that into sex or have lower sex drives, and that’s just how they are—just like not-guys can be super horny and that’s normal too! 

Elena: Exactly. Sex means different things to different people. It’s less of a priority to some, who might like having sex but don’t really mind if they don’t it very often, and so can be flexible and compromise without ending up feeling resentful. But that might not be the case for you. I think it’s a good idea to try and be honest with yourself about whether this break will be putting a lot of strain on your feelings towards and connection to your partner. 

Melody: Because you didn’t go into much detail in your question we reached out to Elena’s dad Nic Beets, who’s a clinical psychologist and sex and relationships therapist, to ask what reasons he sees for this kind of thing happening. 

He listed a few common examples of why someone might ask for a sex break: 

•     Their energy is going somewhere else or needs to go somewhere else, e.g. a big work challenge that’s taking up all of their mental space
•     Sex isn't isn't working for them and they have issues to work out, e.g. as a result of bad sexual experiences, or abusive experiences
•     They’re experiencing a health, mental health or sexual health issue which is getting in the way
•     Sex has begun to feel like it carries too many expectations—maybe about how much energy they put in, or the quality of it—or they’ve become          afraid of disappointing their partner

Nic: When someone is asking for a break because they don’t have the energy, I think what can happen is that the partner goes, “What’s if that’s because you want to put that energy into sex with other people?” That's often a really big fear, especially if the partner hasn’t clearly communicated why they want this, then that can be really anxiety-provoking. 

Elena: Yeah, generally I reckon if there’s something external you can point to and say, “This is the reason why”, that’s a lot easier to cope with than when the person asking isn’t sure why they need this… So what are some ways you could suggest in terms of coping or keeping your relationship healthy? 

Nic: The first thing that occurs to me is that, for the person who asked this question, it's pretty tricky to consent to something you don't know the shape of, or the length. How will you honour that commitment when it's open-ended? I would encourage people to make an agreement like “I’m happy to do this for x months, and then let's review”. Make a boundary rather than having it be open-ended and nebulous. 

And the other thing is, if you're having a break for sex, what does that mean for other physical affection? You know, touching each other in warm and friendly ways? Is that still okay? There's lots of other ways that you can stay close and connected in physical ways that are not about sex.

Melody: This is what I was thinking. If, like me, sexual intimacy provides closeness and reassurance you don’t get elsewhere in the relationship, could you fill that need with massage or just lying in bed being held? Whether it’s the physicality you crave, or the emotional intimacy and having some vulnerable conversations, there are other ways to experience those kinds of connections. 

Elena: People are allowed to want or need different things and figuring out how to honour everyone’s desires is one of the never-ending challenges of being in a relationship. So remember, what you want is important too and don’t be afraid to think outside the box when exploring how a break could work for you both. 

Send your questions through to hornyonmain@renews.co.nz or DM us on the Re: Instagram or Facebook account, and just mention it’s a question for Horny on Main. All questions will be treated in confidence and kept strictly anonymous. 

Illustration by Mil Hampy. 

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