By Elena Beets and Melody Thomas
Horny on Main is a place to unpack and explore the complicated and messy territories of sex, love and intimacy. It’s not just for the horndogs, it’s for anyone who has wondered something quietly to themselves but hasn’t been able to put that thought to words. It’s putting it all out there in the open, matter of fact, clear as day, horny on main. Check out the rest of the series here.
Together, Melody Thomas and Elena Beets help answer all your sticky questions. Today's question:
My girlfriend is on antidepressants and I can’t make her cum. How can we work around that?
Listen here:
Melody: First of all, congratulations to your girlfriend for prioritising her mental health! Very important, especially in current times. What a boss babe. Second of all, please welcome her to the trying-to-get-off-while-on-SSRIs club, of which I am also a member, and Elena is basically President.
Elena: Yes ma’am. I’ve been on antidepressants since before I had sex so I’ve pretty much dealt with this in every interaction I’ve had. Basically, different SSRIs have different side effects but taking longer to orgasm or struggling to orgasm at all is a really common one. It’s a pain no doubt, but nothing you can’t work around.
My first question is: Can your girlfriend orgasm on her own or when she uses sex toys? Because if she can, then this could be a great opportunity to try some mutual masturbation or bring toys into your sex life together.
Melody: There are heaps of toys to choose from when it comes to coupled sex, from cute little finger vibes to the We-Vibe, a cuff which vibrates both inside the vagina and on the clitoris during penetrative sex (and which can be turned on with a remote control by you - which could add a level of hotness?)
If you’ve both been curious about butt stuff but haven’t gone there yet, this could also be something to try as the anus is packed with nerves. Start small, make sure if you’re using a plug that it has a flared base so it can’t get lost, and use lots of lube.
Instead of suggesting any of these specific toys, though, I’d ask your partner in a nice, close moment whether she would like to try any toys, and see if she wants to look at options together. You don’t want her to feel any pressure from you because she’s probably already putting enough pressure on herself.
Elena: And before you suggest this to her you’ll want to make sure you’ve addressed any negative feelings you might have about bringing toys into your sex life, such as feeling threatened or left out.
Remember that if she ends up using other methods or aids to help her orgasm, she is still having sex with YOU and that sex is an entirely different experience than what she does when she’s by herself. Sharing sex with someone else is about how their body feels against yours, the way they look at you, how they kiss your ears etc etc.
Even if it’s not one of your body parts mechanically causing the orgasm, you have sowed the seeds of arousal which has led up to it.
Melody: Your gf might be different but for me, my ability to be turned on and reach orgasm varies. When my meds are getting in the way I call it “fussy pussy”, which is my way of having a little laugh while also communicating to my husband what’s going on.
But actually a lot of what’s getting in the way is happening in my brain: Basically, as I start to realise it’s a fussy pussy situation I get over-focused on it, trying to get off as quickly as I can, adding more pressure and making orgasm even less likely.
What helps me is to s-l-o-w d-o-w-n, and to focus on the pleasure I’m feeling right now rather than an orgasm I may or may not have in the future. Doing this allows me to follow my body’s cues better in terms of what’s feeling good and what I want more of.
But, back to the no-pressure thing, it’s really important that my partner is chill and understanding. Any and all messages reinforcing that this feels great, there’s no hurry, we have all the time in the world, will go a long way.
Elena: As well as focusing on the journey not the destination, trying to engage with sex as a fully immersive experience can help too. Focus on things like your mood before beginning any of the physical stuff, the setting (light/music/smells), how connected you feel to your partner.
If you invest time and attention into these things you will likely be having great sex that is about the experience and connection. Personally when there are times that I just can’t ‘get there’, if the sex has been wonderful in all these other ways I usually feel very satisfied and like I’ve had a lot of pleasure despite it maybe not climaxing into an orgasm.
Melody: Exactly! And keep in mind that these side effects can settle over time, so it might just be a case of wait-and-see. There can also be timing issues to consider - some people find it more challenging to get off in the first few hours after taking their meds, so maybe try scheduling it in for a different time and see if that helps. If time passes and nothing has changed, and your girlfriend is distressed by this herself (and not just doing it for you), then she can talk to her GP about the possibility of switching to a different medication or lowering her dose.
Elena: It can be confronting to have something in your sex life not ‘work’ like it used to or how you imagined it would, but it often takes something like that to step outside of the expectations of what sex should be. This can give you and your partner a chance to reimagine your sex life to be entirely catered to you both - it can literally be whatever you want it to be which is actually very fun!