Before working on The Gender Agenda, Perrin Hastings would fantasise about wearing corsets and dresses. They would think about what it would be like to dress up, do their make-up, and not have to worry as they left the house. 

“But every time I would feel distinctly depressed and imagine myself looking like the worst drag queen with makeup that looked like it had been done by a five-year-old,” they say.

Despite knowing they didn’t neatly fit into the male or female boxes, these feelings of not being “trans enough” made Perrin uncomfortable identifying as trans. 

Presenter and co-creator of The Gender Agenda Perrin Hastings says the series is for rangatahi who are finding it intimidating trying to navigate their gender identity. Photo: Supplied.

“I began trying to figure out what that even meant but there is a lot of discomfort questioning your gender identity, especially when you don't have people around going, ‘Hey, this is the answer for this exact thing that you'll feel’.”

So, Perrin made a docuseries to try to fill this gap.

Launching in time for Trans Awareness Week, The Gender Agender is a five-part docuseries where Perrin, who is the co-creator and presenter, unpacks the complicated issues surrounding gender with a range of gender experts and icons.

It delves into what it means to experiment with your identity through clothing or what gender-affirming healthcare looks like in Aotearoa. 

The series also tries to answer big questions like where does gender come from? What does intersex mean? How do we express our gender identities? 

Perrin says while the series is for rangatahi trying to navigate their gender identity, it also made them reflect a lot on their own.

'I didn’t feel trans enough to call myself trans’

According to Outline Aotearoa, the definition of trans is a person whose gender identity differs from the one they were assigned at birth. This means the term trans encompasses identities such as non-binary, agender, bigender, genderqueer or gender fluid, but not everyone will choose to identify this way.

“Non-binary-ness sits under the trans umbrella so it makes sense in my head,” Perrin says. 

“But I felt like transness has such a heavy history and so to take that on as a label when you might not necessarily face a lot of those issues yourself felt uncomfortable.

“There are a lot of people who are non-binary who won’t medically transition and instead it'll be an outward expression. But almost being passing [as cis gender] can make identifying as trans feel wrong or guilty.”

Jennifer Shields, healthcare lead at Qtopia, says the feeling of not being ‘trans enough’ is common. Photo: Supplied. 

Jennifer Shields, healthcare lead at Qtopia, an advocacy and support group for the rainbow communities in the South Island, says this idea of not feeling ‘trans enough’ is a common feeling within rainbow communities. 

Shields says part of the reason for this is because transness has historically, and still is, very intertwined with healthcare and medical intervention. 

“In the Western world, we have constructed this relationship with gender and medicine because for people to even be considered trans they had to be a ‘certain kind of trans person.’”

Shields points to how it was only a decade ago when transgender people in Sweden and other European countries had to be sterilised before they could legally change their gender.

“I think that influence is still really pervasive. And that’s where we can get people restricting or controlling what it means to be trans and that can make others feel like they aren’t enough.

“But no one has ownership over the word trans. Do you feel like it describes you? Then it describes you. There is no ‘not enough’ because you haven’t medically transitioned or are still figuring things out. It's not a limited category.”

Perrin says since filming the series they have felt more comfortable with identifying themself as trans, something that used to feel daunting. 

“There was one quote from episode two where Dr Ciara Cremin says ‘the only thing we can be true to is desire’.

“Amongst all the other conversations that were being had at the time, I think that just that clicked something in my head where I wasn't paying as much attention to how I want to be perceived or how I should act as a non-binary or as a trans person. And, instead knowing I'm not here to fit the label. The label is there to fit me.”

Clothing as an expression 

Episode two of The Gender Agenda ends with Perrin strutting down Karangahape Rd dressed in a leather vest, and bondage straps, while donning eyeliner and silver studs.

While the get-up is for the cameras, Perrin says the show has made them feel like they finally can wear the things they’ve always wanted - even without the cameras around. 

“When the show finished I wore a skirt outside for the first time,” Perrin says. 

“I literally ran off to Dangerfield and tried some on and decided to go out. Without the show and a lot of the conversations that happened during it, I wouldn't have been able to do that.”

When it comes to The Gender Agenda, Perrin hopes it can be a starting point or voice of comfort for people exploring their identity - a voice they wished they had when they were younger.

“Because I know it can be incredibly intimidating, even just starting to learn, it can feel like a lot of pressure. 

“But if we can help rangatahi and the people surrounding them, that's our mission accomplished.”

You can watch The Gender Agenda here on YouTube.

Where to get help: 

• 1737: The nationwide, 24/7 mental health support line. Call or text 1737 to speak to a trained counsellor.
• Suicide Crisis Line: Free call 0508 TAUTOKO or 0508 828 865. Nationwide 24/7 support line operated by experienced counsellors with advanced suicide prevention training.
• Youthline: Free call 0800 376 633, free text 234. Nationwide service focused on supporting young people.
• OUTLine NZ: Freephone 0800 OUTLINE (0800 688 5463). National service that helps LGBTIQ+ New Zealanders access support, information and a sense of community. 

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