Horny on Main is a place to unpack and explore the complicated and messy territories of sex, love and intimacy. It’s not just for the horndogs, it’s for anyone who has wondered something quietly to themselves but hasn’t been able to put that thought to words. It’s putting it all out there in the open, matter of fact, clear as day, horny on main. 

Together, Melody Thomas and Elena Beets help answer all your sticky questions. Today’s question is:

Elena: Congratulations on being into someone who is obviously into you! It really is amazing when those stars align.

Disclosing your STI status can be pretty daunting and most people don’t share that information with just anyone, so this person probably trusts you which is a great start.

Melody: I’m guessing what you’re wondering is whether you can go ahead and be sexually intimate with this person… so the good news is, you absolutely can. But there are some things you want to know before you proceed, so you can do so in an informed and non-reactive manner. 

Because as we’re about to discover, herpes is super common—there’s actually a decent chance you have it already and don’t know it. But because of movie punchlines and scary sex ed classes we’ve all inherited a bit of fear, shame and confusion about it. So let’s clear all that up before you go accidentally voicing inherited stigma to the person you like.

Elena: Definitely, we want you well equipped. For this episode Melody got the chance to talk to Rose Stewart, the National Nurse Advisor at Family Planning, who shared a bunch of helpful information on herpes.

Let’s start with some Herpes Simplex Virus 101:

• Herpes is one of the most common viruses there is, and most people will end up with some form of it in their bodies over their lifetime. There are actually two types of herpes: Type 1 (HSV-1) is commonly known as oral herpes and mainly presents as cold sores, whereas Type 2 (HSV-2) usually affects your genitals, including your anus. But it is possible for people to get genital herpes from someone going down on them with cold sores, and someone can also get oral herpes from someone with genital herpes. 

• Genital herpes is a relatively mild skin infection carried by around 1 in 3 adults. Around 80 percent of people with herpes don’t know they have it, they could be entirely asymptomatic or have very mild symptoms. Therefore when people get genital herpes it is very likely that the partner who passed it onto them had no idea they had it in the first place.

• There is a lot of variation in how the virus presents itself. For some people the first outbreak can be widespread and sore to the point where they need pain relief. They may feel generally unwell due to the viral infection. For others it can be very mild, they might have happened to notice one blister and thought to get tested. Notably, herpes can only be tested for when there is something to swab, such a sore or a lesion in the skin.

• After an initial flare up it’s unlikely that someone will have an episode like that again, as their body makes antibodies that then jump into action faster. Some people have one or a few flare ups initially and then never have—or notice—symptoms again. Others can have lifelong, mild flare ups. Knowledge is power, so it’s best to get tested as soon as you notice something unusual, as you can then receive treatment such as taking antivirals to reduce the severity of that flare up.

Melody: In terms of keeping yourself safe if your partner or potential partner has herpes, best practice is to not engage in sexual activity when there’s an active infection, or to engage in other sexual touch which avoids this specific area. Using barrier protection such as condoms between infections also reduces the risk of infection, though it doesn’t eliminate it entirely. Remember there’s a chance you could already have it, or could go on to be with someone who gives you herpes unwittingly, so choosing to not continue with this person who you really like does not guarantee that you won’t contract herpes. 

Elena: If you’re still feeling worried about contracting herpes, be kind to yourself. While there’s been a lot of great research and advocacy into reducing stigma around herpes and other STIs, many of those stigma still remain, and even if you have been able to destigmatise your own perception of STIs, you can’t help being aware of the difficulties that come with living with one. 

It may be that you just can’t find a way to feel comfortable with having sex with this person because of the anxiety you feel around contracting herpes, or perhaps you have other health concerns to take into consideration. That is your choice and a valid one, just take care when communicating this, so you don’t accidentally exacerbate their shame. You could say, “Thank you for telling me, I need to take some time to do some research and then maybe I could come back to you with any questions I have? I really like you, I just need to consider the steps needed for us to both feel comfortable moving forward.”

Melody: Ultimately there is no way to have sex without the risk of contracting herpes, no matter who you have sex with.

Elena: So if you are taking a risk every time you have sex, it might as well be with someone you really like!!

Send your questions through to hornyonmain@renews.co.nz or DM us on the Re: Instagram or Facebook account, and just mention it’s a question for Horny on Main. It helps if you can give us some personal details like age, gender, sexuality. All questions will be treated in confidence and kept strictly anonymous.

Illustration by Mil Hampy. 

More stories:

Parents are the fifth biggest home loan lenders in New Zealand

Parents are dishing out $22.6 billion in loans to adult children, according to Consumer NZ.

New study aims to remove barriers for gay blood donation

1 in 2 takatāpui with HIV was living with their HIV infection undiagnosed.

Is it ok to bang someone based on their star sign? | Horny on Main

Romeo & Juliet were star-crossed lovers after all. But Juliet was also 13, so, you know.