By Stephanie Ockhuysen

 

Content warning: This article discusses sexual abuse and violence. 

Rough sex and choking among young people has become a mainstream sexual behaviour. Experts say it’s no longer considered a kink, but the norm. However, significant concerns around consent and injury have led to Aotearoa having its first symposium on the topic. 

When Ashley* (they/them) was first introduced to rough sex they didn’t know that’s what it was called, as to them, and a lot of young people these days, that’s just the way sex is. 

“Rough sex is expected, you’re almost judged if you have ‘vanilla sex’, people are very surprised if you don’t have any kinks especially in this day and age,” Ashley, who is 19, non-binary, and doesn’t want their real name used to protect their sexual partners, says. 

“Me and my friends do the BDSM (bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism) test, where you put all the kinks you’re into and if someone comes out with a high vanilla percentage they’re judged because it’s like ‘oh you’re really normal then’.”

More than half of participants in Australian-first study reported being choked

An Australian-first study titled Prevalence of Sexual Strangulation/Choking Among Australian 18–35 Year‐Olds, written by Leah Sharman, Robin Fitzgerald, and Heather Douglas, researchers at the University of Melbourne and University of Queensland, surveyed 4702 young Australian men, women, trans, and gender diverse people. 

The results showed 57% reported being sexually strangled and 51% reported strangling a partner. 

For young people navigating their sexual identity and first sexual experiences pornography, social media, and music, are telling them having sex will be rough, the research found, and there’s a chance choking may be involved. 

Participants of the study reported first becoming aware of choking during sex between the ages of 16 and 21. Only 4.9% reported never having heard of sexual choking before the survey. 

On average participants reported they had been choked 5.6 times by 3.2 partners.

While many may engage in choking to recreate what they’ve seen, research shows some people report getting a genuine rush from when oxygen returns to the brain after being deprived.

Adrenaline and endorphins are also thought to occur from the power play and adventurous nature of act.

Closer to home 

While the study was in Australia, the trend is growing in Aotearoa, too. 

So much so, academics from University of Auckland, Victoria University, and MEDSAC (Medical Sexual Assault Clinicians Aotearoa) will hold a national ‘strangulation, rough sex & choking symposium’ in November to discuss the trend and challenges.

Experts now want to work on non-stigmatising education so young people have a better understanding of the risks. 

Talk about it - ‘You have to be really careful and listen to me’

Despite its potential fatal consequences, experts say choking has been eroticised.

Ashley says they enjoy rough sex and choking but communication is key. 

With their current partner they have constant check ins, but it hasn’t been like that with all of their partners. 

“My first boyfriend got really angry when I didn’t want to do something and [it] was my first experience thinking ‘oh I’m not allowed to say no’. I thought I had to deal with it and that put me in a lot of situations I didn’t want to be in. 

“I felt abnormal.”

These unwanted acts have led to Ashley being in therapy with issues of feeling back in that space. 

Aside from the fatal risk of choking, research shows there are other life-changing risks such as brain damage. 

It’s a risk a lot of young people don’t realise.

“There will be conversations between guys like “oh yeah I choked her and her face went red’ they have no idea they could be putting their partner at risk.

“I change my mind all the time on it and now I understand it can be quite dangerous. 

“When my partner brought it up I said ‘if we are going to do that, we need to talk about the safest way to do it and you have to be really careful and listen to me’.”

“You can take back your consent” 

Consent is also becoming problematic with situations like someone consenting to sex and then it becomes rough, or consenting to rough sex but people have different understandings of what that means. 

Research has shown when rough sex goes wrong, people go to the GP or the emergency department rather than sexual assault or violence centres.  

“It’s difficult to understand you can take back your consent.

“You think ‘I said yes to this and he likes it, he’s enjoying it, so how can I say no’ and that’s quite a distressing feeling.” 

Ashley remembers first being introduced to rough sex when they started watching porn around age 13. 

“I remember being really confused by it, as a first time viewer you don’t understand it’s not real and you can’t just slap someone during sex without asking them.”

There is next to no information on rough sex for young people and how to engage in it safely, Ashley says.  

But when it comes to choking, experts say it can never be done safely. 

The risks involved aren’t just life or death

Heather Douglas, co-author of the study and law professor at the University of Melbourne, says the harm caused by strangulation is often invisible. 

“A lot of people really have no idea about the potential harm of strangulation, how easy it is to kill someone, or cause long lasting harm.”

Douglas says research from the US found strangulation could cause brain damage involving changes to the structure of a person’s brain and severely affect their memory and problem-solving abilities. 

Despite this, culture presents sexual strangulation as safe and enjoyable. 

“We don’t want to stigmatise this, so many people are doing it, we need to see this as a community issue we need to respond to with education and communication.”

A gap in support services 

Involved in that community response is Nikki Denholm, director of The Light Project, an organisation aiming to help communities navigate the new porn landscape. 

“Three years ago we noticed a huge rise in young people telling us they were practising rough sex and choking and the workforce saying, ‘we’re seeing it but we don’t know how to respond’.

“We look at a lot of porn and the wider online landscape and what is becoming mainstream and equip the workforce to support young people.”

In the last three years The Auckland Sexual Assault Service had seen instances of choking during sex in their work increase from 1% to 25%, Denholm says. 

Denholm says another area of concern is the acts of violence being gendered with women and members of the LBGTQI+ community more likely to be victims of the acts.

There is pressure to ‘be up for it’ and ‘like it rough’ because if they don’t they’ll be “vanilla shamed,” Denholm says, which presents a number of challenges. 

“They might consent for rough sex but then they don’t like what happens or they might have different understandings, so they might think rough sex is spanking or gagging but then it’s double penetration or three people come in.”

When it becomes a legal issue 

Rough sex and the act of choking made international headlines in 2019 with the murder trial of British backpacker Grace Millane. 

Millane was killed by Jesse Kempson after meeting up on a Tinder date. 

During the trial, Kempson’s team tried to use rough sex and Millane’s sexual history and choices as a defence.

It proved unsuccessful and Kempson is now serving a life sentence.

Criminology expert Samantha Keene, who will be part of the symposium in New Zealand, says this rough sex defence tactic is another form of victim blaming and shaming. 

“The Grace Millane trial brought to the public consciousness the idea that rough sex is a thing. 

“Women are expected to be sexy but not too sexy, to be raunchy and adventurous but not too raunchy and adventurous, but you don’t want to be vanilla but then at the same time if it gets bad you don’t want it to come back on you in court.”

Keene says the conversation around rough sex was urgent and more research and awareness was needed. 

However Keene was adamant this conversation was not about casting shame and stigmatising. 

It was about support and education and making sure critical conversations around consent were happening before engaging, she says.

“How can you withdraw consent if you can’t breathe? How are we consenting during activities that inhibit our ability to speak or even our ability to be conscious.”

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