Content warning: This article discusses emotional and physical abuse. 

With a controlling or abusive partner, it can take months, or even years, to realise the extent of the control they have over your life and how much they’ve hurt you.   

This article is part of our new series on healthy relationships, sponsored by Love Better. 

Lone actions turn to patterns and the gut feeling you have that something is wrong never goes away. You might not realise that this is what abuse is until it becomes dangerous.  

Jo, Brittany and Jessie felt the same.   

They tell us what led them to realising their relationships were harmful – and their advice for others in the same situation.  

Jo 

24, she/her 

My relationship was just over a year. It felt long-term, even though I've had longer relationships, and I think that was because it was a really serious relationship. I definitely thought we were going to be together forever. 

I think I was aware that controlling patterns were occurring, but I think I was scared to admit it.  

I was constantly told that I was a bad partner on a super regular basis.  

They also would always talk about how they didn't like my friends.  

It slowly started with comments about how my friends aren't great, and then would turn into comments like, I prioritise my friends more than my partner, and then eventually like, I need to stop hanging out with my friends so much and need to hang out with you more.  

I think they were aware that they couldn't be so overtly controlling, so a lot of the time instead of necessarily being told what to do, they would tell me that I was allowed to make whatever choices I wanted to, but there were always consequences.   

So for example, if I did choose to hang out with my friends, they would be angry with me.  

They would insult certain things that I’d wear, for example, telling me that I dress up too much, and I'm strange for wearing so much makeup.  

Sexually, they would never tell me that I had to have sex with them, but if I said that I didn't want to one night for whatever reason, they would cold shoulder me, give me the silent treatment, and basically not engage with me at all. 

I felt socially isolated. I had gained weight. My skin was breaking out. I had no motivation to do anything. I was sleeping all the time. I had extreme self-doubt.  

I realised that it wasn't normal for me to feel that way, and the only variable that had changed was that I had entered into this relationship. 

I realised that the relationship was really harmful to me after some enforced time apart when I was working away and during those few days, I felt exponentially better.*  

I felt like myself again. I felt like I had my confidence back.  

When we met up again, when that time period was over, it was straight back to the worst anxiety I've ever had.  

That was the moment that I realised the relationship was harmful.  

It still wasn't for another six months when I started therapy that my therapist used the term emotional abuse, and I could finally kind of admit to myself the gravity of the situation I had been in.  

Having a professional to talk to about these behaviours can be a powerful step in helping reclaim a sense of self and realise you’re not alone.   

*Although Jo felt her confidence coming back quickly, being in a controlling relationship can often have long-lasting impacts on someone’s confidence and self-esteem. 

Brittany 

31, she/her  

He was pretty much one of my first boyfriends. We were together for two years and we lived together.  

We started seeing each other when I was about 17 and he was probably 20. Red flags right off the bat.   

It started with nicknames and jokes – about just how stupid you are and dumb you are and ugly you are and then it progressed from there.  

Then it was like, ‘Wow, you're so stupid and dumb and ugly that I'm the only one that will care about you. I'm the only one that will love you’.   

They separate you from your friends and they separate you from your family. They say your friends are not good and your family are not good. You don't need anybody else but me.  

They like to blame all their problems on you. You and your actions are the cause of all their pain, and the only reason that they feel like this is because of you, even though you've done nothing. 

I was 17 years old. I was like, ‘Okay, I guess this is a relationship’.  

I knew I was in danger when a male friend of mine started hanging out and sleeping over at our house. He was like, ‘Oh, I just have nowhere else to go’.   

And I was like, that's not true because I know that you have a big house with your parents.  

He confessed to me later on that he was doing it because he was scared for me. He said, I don't like the way he treats you, and I'm scared for you.  

I did eventually find the strength to leave him, and when I did he broke back into my house and beat me up. 

It's really, really hard not to return because of the ‘I'm the only one that loves you’ thing.  

It's hard because you're already going through a breakup, and you just want that sense of relief, and so you will go back just to feel not in pain for, like, one minute. 

But don't do that. You gotta rip the Band-Aid off, because that man hates you. I don't know what else to say. That man does not like you. 

Relationships are supposed to be fun. If it's not fun, leave. If that man is making you cry a lot, that man hates you. If they make you feel unlovable and unliked, run. If you feel like you're dressing a certain way to appease them and stop them from throwing a wobbly, run.  

You should never, ever, ever, ever feel fear in a relationship.  

I did have a lot of help from my parents and my friends, though, which is interesting because it's always the community that the abuser will detach you from. But you're never as isolated as you think you are.   

You're with a person that has created a reality around you that makes you feel like a piece of shit, like you're to blame for every problem that they're experiencing and every problem on Earth.  

That's just simply not true. Don't be scared to go back to your family and your friends and ask for help because they're all sitting there waiting for you.  

Some people, to be fair, will have dipped because it's too much for them, but people will be there waiting for you, and people will be there to help. 

Also, going to the police and asking for restraining orders helps. Don't be afraid to go to the police. 

Jessie 

27, she/they 

I started dating my ex-partner at 22 years old. The relationship itself was just over two years.  I thought the relationship was going to be forever and that was used as a tactic to keep me around. 

The relationship affected every single part of my life.  

We were both working in hospitality, and two months into us dating he decided to quit his job. He wouldn't pay his rent, so then I would have to pay his rent, and the financial repercussions from that affect me to this day. 

He ended up living with me at the start of 2020, because he refused to get a house of his own and said he was gonna be homeless.  

He put me in a position where I had to take care of him. That's when it started escalating to physical violence and more put-downs.  

He would break my boundaries in terms of sexual contact and lie to me. He’d coerce me into having sex by saying he wasn't sleeping with anyone and then tell me directly after that he was.    

I lost my best friend and all of my support, and I ended up suffering from some really severe mental health issues and an eating disorder. I developed an alcohol issue due to the trauma I was dealing with.  

There were about three warning signs that really stood out to me.  

The first one was about a month into dating, and I realised he wanted to basically see me every day. As someone who hadn't dated someone in a long time or had any affection, I found it quite nice.  

The second thing was on my birthday, I was out with a close guy mate who was visiting from Australia, and my partner called me. He was yelling at me on the phone, and my friend overheard it and was like, Was that your boyfriend? Was he yelling at you?  

The third thing was the fear and intimidation through violence. He would punch a lot of holes in the wall. He would scream at me a lot. He would grab my face and be like, “Look at me”. He threw a picture of my sister on the floor for no reason. He smashed nail polish over my wall. And he choked me at one point. 

I decided to break up with him and went and spoke to my doctor because I understood he had some mental health issues.  

However, the doctor basically said, “This is inexcusable”, and he put me in touch with Women's Refuge.  

A lot of my friends were enablers. And even though they knew he acted like this, they cared more about being friends with him because he was cooler than me. Other friends just didn't care.*  

Speak up to your friends and people that care about you, and if they don't take it seriously, find other people, because you deserve people that actually hear you out and respect you.  

Women's Refuge helped a lot. They put me in touch with a lot of people who could help with my eating disorder and gave me support and avenues to go down.   

*People don’t always know what to do or understand the dynamics of abuse. A support organisation can help to explain the violence and its impacts and provide tangible support to get help.  

If any of this resonates with you, check out more on lovecreep.nz 

Text lovebetter to 234 or 
Visit youthline.co.nz for webchat 

Call Women’s Refuge on 0800 REFUGE or 0800 733 843 

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