Tania Jones didn’t expect to be a single mother at age 40 but it turned out to be the best thing that’s happened to her.
Tania is one of 213,534 single parent families in New Zealand, which has increased by 7.9% since 2018, according to recently released figures from the 2023 Census.
The now 42-year-old has two teenagers from a previous relationship as well as her 20-month-old son.
Navigating pregnancy alone later in life was a terrifying part of the journey, Tania says.
“I had no emotional, physical, or financial support.
“It’s caused me to feel a high sense of overwhelm on a daily basis. The mental load - you're thinking about financial stuff, the health and wellbeing of your children, keeping yourself healthy.
“When there’s two of you, you can check in.”
Tania Jones with her kids Dylan (17), Osian (20 months old), and Ava (13) (Photo: Supplied).
The other part Tania has struggled with is the stigma attached to being a single mother, something she says is alive and well in 2024.
She says she felt there was a perception about her because her kids had two different dads, that she wasn’t in a solid relationship with the father of her baby because “it was a casual experience that resulted in a pregnancy”.
“There’s a stigma around being on the benefit, that these women don’t have strong values and that’s why they’re in the situation of solo parenting.
“But these are often actually stories of resilience and bravery where they’ve had to make decisions to leave abusive relationships, unhealthy relationships and now face this parenting journey on their own.”
Tania says when she had her baby she used up all of her savings and went on the benefit for a short amount of time and was not able to access any other support.
She had to return to work but says she is fortunate that she is self employed and can work part time to financially provide for herself and children.
But it’s still a juggle, she says.
“Life on the benefit is very tight, there's no room for anything to go wrong like with the car or appliances.”
There is a range of financial support available to families through the Ministry of Social Development and Inland Revenue.
There are some targeted supports for single parents such as Sole Parent Support or Young Parent Payment.
While Tania acknowledges the challenges associated with being a single parent, she says there’s plenty of positives that come with it too.
Number one being that she is able to parent her child the way she feels is best for him, she says.
“You can set a routine and it’s not disrupted, you get to hang out with your child, I feel being able to have that quality time with him is really special. At this point of time he’s not having to transition between two different homes.”
When Tania began looking for online communities of single parents, she says she found it extremely negative.
She says there were no stories from people she could learn from and it felt like there was no light at the end of the tunnel.
That’s why she decided to create the Thriving Solo podcast, which will be launched at the end of January.
“I talk to single mums, dads, grandparents, whoever, who have navigated through challenging times and are able to share what the gifts are, tips and tricks on how to keep yourself healthy.”
Tania wants the narrative around solo parents, especially single mothers, to change.
Her advice to young parents navigating this is to ignore and block out as much as you can.
“Trust that you’re doing the best you can irrespective of what others are saying.
“There’s a sense of single women always [being] on the benefit so then they feel a great deal of shame like they can’t do anymore than that.
“I do feel like there are some really cool opportunities for organisations to work with solo parents around their mindset and what is the life they want to design for themselves and helping them to create it.”
Joe Fern is the national coordinator of Birthright, a social services organisation with a focus on families led by one person (Photo: Supplied).
Joe Fern, national coordinator of Birthright, a social services organisation with a focus on families led by one person, wants the narrative to change, too.
He doesn’t want a rise in the number of single parent families to be seen as problematic.
Of the people they work with, 80% are women and the majority of those have experienced some form of violence, so the decision to become a solo parent isn’t a negative one, he says.
“It takes courage.
“What’s important is we recognise that single parents have certain needs but it doesn’t mean they’re not good parents and that their tamariki can’t have a good start in life."
He also acknowledges that outside of abuse, there are situations when parents who don’t want to be together are forced to live together and that can create a negative atmosphere for tamariki.
“People who choose to become single parents can still provide very good environments for their kids.”
Birthright offers a range of services for families such as counselling for parents and kids, social workers, parenting tips and workshops, free childcare so parents can work, cooking courses, and budgeting advice.
Joe was a single dad himself 15 years ago and while he remembers the pressure, he knows there’s far less stigma attached to men than single mothers.
“My kids felt like everyone was looking at them because they were different so that created a heightened anxiety. But a man is blamed less. We have to be aware of that difference.”
He says single parents have more to worry about such as putting food on the table and shoes on feet.
Single parents are also more likely to become isolated, have poorer health outcomes and poor finances.
“There’s a lot of uncertainty in parenting - you’re always trying to figure out if you’re doing the right thing, have you approached boundaries the right way, are you helping grow a person.
“When there’s two of you, you can talk about and be objective but single parenting is filled with worrying that you bear alone.”
Joe says when he was a single parent he would worry about being in an accident and that there would be no one else for his kids.
Because of this, he says solo parents tend to become extremely risk averse.
He says in 2024 there is more understanding of what family can look like - it’s not so normative and all that matters is that kids are loved.
“Families in Aotearoa are structured differently. Family is family is family.”
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